


Brand Loyalty

by SilentUnicornSpeaks



Category: Borderlands (Video Games), Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: Borderlands Gift Exchange 2017, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 23:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13110828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentUnicornSpeaks/pseuds/SilentUnicornSpeaks
Summary: Based on a Dilbert comic where marketing has invented a new type of hat that can tell what excites you when you look at it.  Hyperion marketing has invented a similar machine and Rhys happens to walk into a meeting just as they need a subject to test it.A gift for russgirl123! Happy Christmas!





	Brand Loyalty

“No.”

Rhys shook his head firmly, but his eyes were wide and scared. Henderson frowned at him from across the desk. Behind him Elpis glowed, filling the room with cool purple light.

“Rhys, my boy, it’s really not that difficult. It’s one little report that I haven’t had time to present to Handsome Jack, and you’ll just read it to him and be done. In and out, nothing simpler. I have a situation that requires my full attention.”

Rhys waved the ECHOpad Henderson had given him at the start of this meeting. He had only needed to read the file names to realize what he had been handed— his very own death warrant. “I am not going to be the one to tell Handsome Jack that we failed to hit our quarterly goal, and I’m not going to be the one to tell him that we accidentally gave Tediore the biggest sales boost in the history of arms dealing! I wasn’t even involved, I was still just a data-mining middle manager back then!”

“Junior Vice President Rhys,” Henderson said sternly, emphasizing Rhys’ new title and recent promotion, “you work in this office for me, and that means you do the jobs I tell you to do. Don’t be such a worrier.” He fidgeted with his tie. “Besides, you weren’t involved, so he’s got no reason to be angry at you. Just be polite and respectful and you’ll be fine.” 

Rhys still wasn’t convinced, but Henderson was checking his watch and strode by, reaching up to pat Rhys on the shoulder. “I’ve got a meeting starting soon. Accounting, you know— and they always bring the good donuts. Gotta be on time for them.” He left the office, but Rhys continued to stare out at the glowing moon below the station and think. He’d clawed his way up the food pyramid of Hyperion, literally sold people out, committed atrocities that would get him arrested on any other planet or station, all in order to get his own private office and the freedom to pursue his own projects, and now it was all going out the window. Probably literally. Handsome Jack wasn’t famous for being a patient saint, and the reason even a Junior Vice President had such a big window to see the moon was because it also offered a great view of the people that made Handsome Jack angry. It was like a real-time motivational poster, Hyperion-style— a beautiful vista, covered in dead people.

He stood for a lot longer than he really meant to, still in shock, but his ECHO pinged its warbling electric chime to signal a call coming in. He tapped his earpiece.

“Rhys!” Vaughn sounded excited and happy. “Heads up, lunch is incoming! Yvette got that bonus she was hunting for and I’m making her pay if we have to twist her arm off. It’s—” Another voice broke in.

“Rhys, what the hell is taking you so long? You said you had a five-minute meeting and you’d be right back, and it’s been almost fifteen.” Rhys could faintly hear her hard-soled heels tapping impatiently.

Rhys chuckled nervously. “About that… I might not be exactly coming by soon. I, uh, might not be coming by at all, actually.”

Yvette made an outraged noise, but Vaughn took over again and his voice was much higher and far less relaxed. “What do you mean? Does Henderson have you running an errand? Were you fired? Are you coming down with something?” Yvette interrupted.

“Rhys, what happened?” she said calmly.

Rhys sat down heavily in Henderson’s chair and spun in idle circles. “Well, remember how I said this promotion was going to make all our dreams come true? Well, uh, I’ve always wanted to meet Handsome Jack… I have to take him our quarterly reviews.” He winced as his earpiece exploded with noise. It sounded like Vaughn and Yvette were fighting over Vaughn’s ECHO. They knew about the Security Propaganda quarterly reviews; every department was discussing it. Bits of their shouting made their way through.

“-the hell RHYS DON’T-”

“-what does that even-”

“-THAT IS THE DUMBEST-”

Rhys could hear Vaughn start to cry, and Rhys hurried to interrupt. No one liked it when Vaughn cried. 

“Guys, guys, we’re going to be fine. ‘We’ in the general sense, I mean. I’m probably already dead. Just… counting down now.” Forget Vaughn, Rhys himself was close to tears. He choked them back. “Listen, I can just- it wasn’t my fault. I’m going to go.” He took a deep breath and stood up. “I’ll be fine.” Yvette got the ECHO next.

“Rhys, just.. be careful, please. We’ll get lunch afterwards to celebrate your survival. On Vaughn, of course.” He gave a weak laugh, and even Vaughn gave a watery giggle. 

“We’ll hit up that new cafe— Solstice, I think it’s called?” Vaughn said.

“Ew, no way, Vaughn. That place is FULL of gross couples being cutesy. I’m not going there unless you paid me.”

“Well if I’m going to buy, then technically-” 

Rhys started walking to the elevator while Vaughn and Yvette discussed lunch plans. If he stopped listening for too long, his legs started to shake and his vision blurred as he contemplated where he was actually headed. He focused on their voices.

It felt like ages for the elevator to actually arrive. Rhys was trying not to count the seconds remaining in his life. When it finally came, it then took ages for it to actually reach the highest floor. He intervened in his friend’s conversation on the differences between the sandwiches at their favorite stores. Privately, he agreed with Yvette that ranch did not improve a turkey club. “Hey guys. I’m here.” The elevator doors opened.

“Rhys, just stay safe, please. I don’t want to go hunting for another roommate. Or try and pay for a single, I don’t make enough for that.”

“And take some pictures of Jack’s office. I wanna see how the rich live.”

They hung up, and Rhys entered the atrium of Jack’s office.

The secretary sat at a desk bigger than Rhys’ new office, up a platform of stairs down the hallway from the elevator. Rhys walked slowly to put off the inevitable and to admire the many expensive portraits and pastorals lining the hall. The walls were more oil paint than wallpaper. He approached the secretary, who was on a faux old-fashioned phone. He held up a well-manicured finger to stop Rhys where he stood. Rhys managed about three minutes of mindless chatter before Rhys stepped closer and cleared his throat. The secretary rolled his eyes and said, loudly, “Hang on, Billy, I’ve got some idiot trying for my attention.” He pushed a button and held the phone to his chest as he snapped at Rhys. “Well, peon?”

Any other day Rhys would have been offended and pulled rank, but today was not a normal day. He was having trouble remembering how to breath. “I, ah, I’m here for- I’m the Junior Vice President of Security Propaganda, I’ve got a report for Handsome Jack?” He held out the ECHOpad like it would somehow help the situation. The secretary (who’s nameplate simply read Oliver) pressed another button, then put his phone back against his ear and started his conversation up again. He waved at Rhys to enter, and when Rhys didn’t move fast enough for him, waved again, harder. Rhys entered Handsome Jack’s office.

His first thought was that if the secretary’s desk was bigger than his office, then this office was bigger than the floor his office was located on. Spacious, mood lighting, large statues of Handsome Jack in various heroic poses. Water features lined a lit path to the very throne of Hyperion, where Handsome Jack himself stood. He was arguing with two woman, one in a white lab coat and the other in an elaborate suit. Rhys crept forward, unwilling to interrupt but unable to stay away. It was Handsome Jack! And he was talking loudly, but he wasn’t actually angry so far as Rhys could tell. He was probably just talking loudly. He did that in his PSAs and propaganda vids. In the documentaries about him. In the commercials. Rhys may have watched a lot of Handsome Jack’s videos. His hands were waving about as he strode along the raised platform that housed his desk, and the women weren’t cowering too much. He had clearly caught Handsome Jack in a good mood.

Handsome Jack didn’t become CEO of the biggest company in the universe by being unobservant. He spotted Rhys and lit up, charging down the stairs. Rhys felt his heart stop and his face flush. Handsome Jack had a big grin on his face and he grabbed Rhys by the shoulders, steering him up to the two women. The one in the suit looked down her nose at him appraisingly, but the one in the lab coat smiled apologetically. They stood next to a large cart full of tech, wires and buttons surrounding a large screen.

Rhys was feeling pretty good until Handsome Jack opened his mouth to address the suit. “Well, Mickey-mick, we are lucky today. Got a test subject fall right into our hands.” He gave Rhys a little pat-pat and shoved him down into the chair next to the cart. Rhys found his voice, although it was a little squeakier than normal. Whatever report Henderson had sent him to share was probably a faster death than anything R&D could concoct.

“W-wait, Handsome Jack, sir, I’m here from Securities Propaganda. Vice President Henderson sent me in his place? I have a report.” Again he held out the ECHO.

Handsome Jack snatched the ECHO and tossed it on his desk. “Sure, sure, pumpkin. But get a load of this.” He held out his hands in a jazzy motion towards the cart. “The latest and greatest of Hyperion marketing. Now let’s get started.” He grabbed an oversized metal bowl-shaped thing from behind the screen, full of flashing lights and wires, and tried to plonk it down on Rhys’ head. Rhys put his metal hand in the way and stopped it with a resounding clang. He froze.

“Could I at least know what I’m signed up for? Handsome Jack? Please?”

“Nope,” Handsome Jack said cheerfully. “And it’s just Jack, pumpkin.” He brought the bowl-thing down on Rhys’ head.

“Alright, Mr…?” the lab coat said. 

“Uh, Rhys,” Rhys said, after deciding that the hat wasn’t going to immediately kill him or cause him undue amounts of pain. “Just Rhys.” Jack hopped up onto the edge of his desk and leaned forward, ready for a show.

“Mr. Rhys. There’s really no need for participation on your part, the scanner does all the work.” She tapped the weird helmet hat. “All we need you to do is watch the screen and focus on it. We’ll be flashing images and colors and the like onto it. The scanner will pick up your reaction, and we’ll have a good set of data for Mr. Jack to examine personally.” She fussed with the buttons on the cart. It started to make an alarming whirring noises. Handsom— Jack laughed at Rhys’ flinching. 

It took a few minutes for the machine to get ready, the scientist fiddling with it until she was satisfied. She stood back when ready and held up an ECHOpad. “Alright, watch the screen and try to think natural thoughts.” The screen fuzzed on and colors began to flash slowly by.

Rhys jumped when the hat suddenly emitted a loud pinging noise, the same that an ECHO device would use to signal an incoming call. Mickey, the suited woman, smiled, and Jack laughed again when Rhys jumped. “What does that mean,” Jack asked eagerly. His feet were swinging happily, enjoying this far more than Rhys was. 

The scientist was too busy to answer, tapping things out on the ECHOpad, so Mickey answered for her. “It means he likes it, whatever he’s looking at.” She sounded bored. Jack leaned forward to see the screen— it was filled with official Hyperion-branded yellow. The hat pinged again.

“Nice taste, kiddo!” The hat pinged again, and Jack smirked. “You must really like that shade.”

“Uh, yeah, it’s my favorite.” Rhys figured the second and third pings were more about the way Jack— Handsome Jack!— had put his hand on Rhys’ knee for balance as he tried to get a good look at the screen on the cart. He liked Hyperion yellow well enough to get that first ping, but it honestly wasn’t a three-ping opinion.

The colors kept going, then segued into basic foods like vegetables. Jack soon got bored and leaned back on his desk to thumb through a small, obviously custom-made ECHOcomm. Rhys tried to hide his disappointment, glad that the machine at least only recorded positive responses. After a few minutes though Jack looked back to Rhys, looking him up and down and looking— impressed? 

“So what’s the deal with this eridium mining deal, pumpkin? That was some slick tiddlywinks you pulled there. You bought that site out from under our competitor for a quarter of what they offered. How’d you even do that?”

Obviously Rhys had been killed by whatever machine was sitting on his head. There was no way he was discussing the biggest victory of his career in Handsome Jack’s office with Handsome Jack. He was clearly in heaven. He hadn’t thought he’d make it, after the really terrible things he’d done to get that deal working in the first place.

“Well, it took a lot of charm, conversation, and corporate stealing. Some hacking— my friends helped a lot with that. Sneaking around on the site during a few rainy weeks to move field markers around. A few, uh, carefully planned, uh, deaths. Some bribery.” Jack’s eyebrows raised at each note, and when he looked back at his ECHOcomm there was a small smile playing around his mouth. Rhys watched him until the scientist coughed politely to return his attention to the screen. 

After nearly an hour of this, the scientist moved on to the actual purpose of the machine, running concept products across the screen to get Rhys’ approval ratings for them. They started with a line of Hyperion-brand clothing. The third item set off Rhys’ hat more than any of the screens before, and Jack nearly fell over himself to see what had set it off. He laughed so hard he fell off the edge of the desk, having to balance himself on Rhys’ shoulder. “Well, cupcake, I like your choice of color, but this is too much.” He was bent in two from laughing so hard, wiping away tears. His face was almost level with Rhys’, and the pings just got louder. Rhys didn’t know they could do that. “Who even came up with this thing?” he asked Mickey. She sniffed.

“All products were designed based on the preferences of previous customers.”

“But who would buy these?” Jack gestured at the screen, which showed a pair of long, bright yellow-and-black striped socks. They were garish, and looked soft, and Rhys was really hoping this was a real concept line because he would absolutely buy them when they came out. Jack was still complaining. His hand was warm, and large enough to cover most of Rhys’ shoulder. Jack’s thumb brushed against his neck, making him shiver and feel bold. 

Rhys tugged off his boot, a little awkwardly since his legs had fallen asleep from sitting still for so long, and tugged up the hem of his pants to flash his ankles at Jack. Jack’s laugh cut off as soon as he spotted the socks. Blue and yellow stripes with gold stars covered Rhys’ warm and very fashionable toes. When Jack didn’t start laughing again, his toes curled in embarrassment and he chanced a look up.

Jack was still looking at his socks thoughtfully, but then caught Rhys’ eye and winked. He leaned back then and waved at the scientist to continue. “Go on, Mim, we’re ready for more. Why don’t you skip to the good stuff, you were telling me about the guns you have lined up for Rhysie here?”

Mim the scientist nodded and hurriedly changed a few settings. The screen went blank, then flashed with—

“Is that a freakin’ Dahl pistol? Is that a Dahl? Why the hell is there a Dahl on this screen, I thought we were trying to look at things that made Rhysie here happy?” Jack didn’t seem as happy now, glaring at the screen. Mim was quick to assure him that there was a purpose for this. Rhys was just glad that there was no ping for this. He wasn’t much of a gun person, but even he could admit that Dahl weapons weren’t that pretty. And Jack had basically wiped the whole Dahl army out single-handedly, so they also couldn’t be that effective. At least he hadn’t pinged.

Jack was satisfied with whatever Mim had said, and his cheerfulness returned. A few more guns flashed by, and Rhys was surprised by Jack’s loud but detailed opinions on each one. 

“Yeah, whoever drew up that one is getting a raise. Look at the sights on that thing!”

“Nah, don’t bing this one Rhysie. The size of the stock is gonna raise all kinds of balance hell. Don’t worry, we can fix it in R&D, make a note Mickey.”

“Pretty but useless, the size of the barrel’s gonna make the bullet speed so-o-o-o slow. What are we, Torgue?”

“No, why don’t you like that one!” Jack jumped off the desk at a sleek-looking black shotgun with yellow running lights. He crouched in between Rhys and the cart to point out the features he liked. Size, balance, Rhys didn’t notice, because the sight of Handsome Jack practically on his knees in front of him was making his face warm and his hat loud. He reached up self-consciously to rub the back of his neck as all three turned to look at him. Jack smirked and the pings got slightly louder.

“I’m glad you can see things my way, cupcake,” Jack said, standing up. He put a hand on Rhys’ knee as he heaved himself up. The pings got closer together, running into a single sound. Jack removed his hand, and the noise stopped. He sat on the desk again.

“You know what, Mickey,” he said to the suit, “I don’t think we need any more data. Just take what you have and use it for whatever, I’m convinced this thing works. Tell Ollie outside to give you the papers you’ll need— here, gimme that, I’ll sign off on whatever. Get this from prototype to finished product.” Mim began packing up while Mickey handed an ECHOpad for Jack to sign off on funding and security clearances for the project. Rhys leaned forward for Mim to take the hat part off, but stayed seated. As the two marketers left the office, Rhys became suddenly and horribly aware that he was in Jack’s office for no further purpose except to relay his department’s latest, terrible scandal to his psychopathic CEO. He didn’t look up while Jack paced around his desk to grab Henderson’s report from where he’d thrown it. 

“So, cupcake, I guess it’s time for our little tete-a-tete. What do we have here?”

Rhys rushed to defend himself. He leapt up from the chair to stand in front of Jack’s desk, but he made one small mistake. From the sound of things, he’d assumed that Jack had moved to sit behind his desk in the golden, throne-like chair, near where he’d thrown the ECHO. Instead, Jack had only leaned over to reach the ECHO, and was still standing up. Right in front of his desk. 

Rhys came face-to-face with Handsome Jack, hands raised to protest Henderson’s report pressed against Jack’s jacket lapels. He froze. Jack just looked amused.

“Relax, kiddo, I’m not gonna airlock you today. You did me a solid coming in when you did— that snake Mickey was trying to get me to wear the weird hat. I didn’t want to risk ruining my hair, especially if I had a nice date with legs like you coming up.” Before Rhys could really digest that statement, Jack moved to pace around the platform and carried on, flipping through Henderson’s report. “Anyway, looks like your department’s in a shit way. How did that happen?”

This, Rhys was a little ready for. He’d planned what to say so much that it came out automatically, while the rest of his brain stumbled over words like “legs” and “date”. “The latest line of Hyperion micro-pistols— the ones designed to combat the Jakobs line?— they ended up being more Tediore in nature. Started exploding after the third or fourth reload in the user’s hands.” Jack nodded, still examining the ECHO. He was smiling the way he had when he’d put his hand on Rhys’ knee and the hat wouldn’t shut up. Rhys took a deep, steadying breath, and rubbed the back of his neck with his metal hand. “People were not happy. So Henderson, my boss, and his directors all started an ad campaign about how people actually pay Tediore for exploding guns. I did some research, and I bet Ms. Marketing Mickey would agree that using an unrelated competitor’s name in any way during a PR scandal is not really the best way to go.”

Jack snorted. He pressed a button on his desk and spoke. “Yeah, Ollie, gonna need you in here stat.” A second later, the door to the office opened and the secretary poked his head in. Jack chucked Henderson’s report across the room and Ollie ducked to avoid it. He picked it up from the ground with two fingers, like it was a used tissue.

“Throw ‘Henderson’ and his cronies out an airlock for me, will ya Ollie? They’re all named in that, I made a note at the bottom. I’ve got a new senior vice yadda yadda all lined up, so just clear the whole table. Get it done.” Oliver the secretary nodded and left the room. It felt like all the air had left with him. Rhys turned to Jack, speechless. Jack grinned at him.

“Hey hey, Rhysie, looks like you’re moving up the ladder. How does Senior Vice President sound to you, cupcake?” Rhys just continued to stare, and suddenly took a deep breath when he ran out of air. It startled Jack, but he soothed quickly when he saw Rhys smiling.

“Yes, sir, Handsome Jack, I— yes, I want that.” He coughed and rubbed the back of his neck. When he lowered his hand, Jack replaced it with his own. He leaned in close and Rhys stopped breathing again.

“Should’ve made the lab rats leave the hat behind. I like hearing the bing.” 

“It’s more of ping,” Rhys said breathlessly. That was a stupid thing to say, so he changed the subject. “Also, I was a bit distracted but did you say something about legs?” That was stupider. He could have slapped himself for bringing it up, and if Jack wasn’t so close he probably would have. Jack just grinned delightedly. His thumb rubbed small circles on Rhys’ neck. 

“I may have noticed. You weren’t shy about showing them off.” When Rhys looked blank, Jack wiggled his eyebrows and glanced down at his feet. 

“Oh,” Rhys said dumbly.

“Yeah,” Jack said. “Anyway, did you happen to recall anything else I said,”

“Uh,” Rhys said, more dumbly this time. The thumb on his neck was coming to be the focus of his entire world, along with Jack’s bright mismatched eyes. Jack leaned in.

“About a date?” he prompted.

“Gah. Yes. A date.”

“And?”

Did Jack really expect him to think right now? Rhys tried anyway. “A date. Ye-” he choked and coughed to clear his throat. “Yeah. Yes. That’s, yeah. A date.”

“I can tell you’re super interested.” Jack frowned slightly and stepped back. “Listen, I know I enjoy killing people but I prefer dating with consent. If you don’t want to, I don’t want to pressure you into it. That’s no fun.” He lifted his hand away and Rhys’ suddenly felt the fog in his brain clear. 

“No!” he practically shouted, and he grabbed Jack’s hand. “I mean, yes, I— were you asking me? On a date? Because I would like— I would like that a lot. Yes. Please.”

That brilliant, charming grin that starred in the posters on Rhys’ office was back, and so was Jack’s hand on his neck. He basked in the warmth of it.

“Alright pumpkin, that’s all for now. I’ll comm you later, when I get a nice place picked out, but I’ve got other meetings and I’m sure you’d like to see Henderson get his cowardly ass spaced. I’ll see you soon.” And with that, he pressed a buzzer on his desk and Oliver stuck his head in, hands up and ready to catch whatever Jack threw his way. “Just send in the next appointment, Ollie.” He nodded and left, and Rhys took that as his cue to leave as well. Jack slapped his ass on the way out, and winked when Rhys turned around rubbing it offendly.

“See you later, Rhysie!” Jack sang out as Rhys closed the door. He made it all the way to the elevator doors before he heard a ping and pulled out his comm. A thousand messages from Vaughn and Yvette, and one from an unknown. 

Solstice, 7pm? 

Rhys smiled, and got to work texting Jack back.


End file.
